13 Things That Prove You Are a Texan

1.) Thunderstorms don't scare you.

While you may have felt frightened by the ever-looming possibility of the formation of a tornado as a child, you no longer consider these storms a threat. You could use a little rain and, who knows, maybe a it'll rip the school right out of the ground.

2.) You are reminded on a daily basis that Texas does, in fact, "have the right to secede".

If any citizens of the United States were to attempt to secede from the Union, those citizens would most certainly be from Texas. (Interestingly enough, if Texas were to secede, it would have the thirteenth largest economy in the world, thereby making it comparable to the one-and-only Australia. How'd we manage that?)

3.) Your parents are Republicans.

And their parents were Republicans. And the parents before them were Republicans. And the parents before the parents of your parents were Republicans. You are most likely, according to statistics, a teenage Republican. And if you are not, you're a closet liberal just yearning for an opportunity to move to California as soon as you get out of high-school.

4.) Your parents cried when you told them that you were a vegetarian.

I get it, I do. You wanted to eat healthily and put a stake (pun intended) through the hearts of infamous slaughterhouses. You've read articles about the dangers of red meat and the carcinogens present in industrially formulated "turkey surprise". You made a good choice. You were doing a good thing. But when your parents were raised on home grown chicken breasts, beef patties, and pork chops, they can't adapt so easily. Give them some time.

5.) Strange slang words make sense to you.

Shoo-wee, what a looker. My old lady's all choked up over some TV soap. Damn yankees, y'all ain't seen nothin'. I'm fixin' to unleash a can of whoop-ass. 

6.) Being called "curvy" is the greatest of all compliments.

If you call a woman up north "curvy", you're going to be bleeding out of your nose in three seconds flat. Down in Texas, however, curvy doesn't mean unattractive. It doesn't mean bloated or big-boned or beer-bellied. It means you've got a nice shape, an unbeatable silhouette, a figure to die for.
(Side note: love your bodies, even if their curvy or not or tall or not or thin or not.)

7.) Miss USA? You mean Miss Texas?

Texas is the most successful state to ever compete in the Miss USA competition. It has had nine winners, three more than any other state, including five consecutive victories between 1985 and 1989. If you are a female in Texas, you are probably well-aware of the intensely competitive nature surrounding beauty competitions.

8.) Whataburger.

As a teenage citizen of Texas for the last eight years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving Whataburger, the burgers anywhere else just won't cut it.

9.) Sports are your ticket out of state.

Sure, you like theater. You enjoy the occasional High-School Musical marathon and, if you're being honest, you may have cried during a Broadway show two years ago. But scholarships aren't available to theater geeks, son. You've got to get some dirt on your hands; you've got to crack some skulls from time to time, show the world that you are a man. So skip the audition, throw on a uniform, and make out with a cheerleader because that's what corn-fed, strong-willed, homegrown boys do. 

(Friendly neighborhood reminder to do what you love and not what everyone else tells you to do.)

10.) Teenage pregnancy is something that you are familiar with.

Your classmate. The leading lady in the school play. Your best friend. High-school girls becoming mothers is not something that you need to search for on television. It's right there in front of you. While Texas may be the leading state in Miss USA victories, it is also the leading state in teen pregnancy numbers. Guard your uterus, girls. There's no need to be poppin' out puppies at seventeen years of age. You have time.

11.) You avoid Cracker Barrels on Sunday mornings.

Church just let out. Every family in the state is craving a ham/cheese omelet and a basket of biscuits and gravy. Run. Run quickly.

12.) School field trips suck.

"Check out that cattle farm. Woo." This isn't New York. You can't spend the day ambling about bustling city streets or at the base of the Statue of Liberty. If you're lucky, your school has money in the budget to afford a trip to the Spaghetti Warehouse in Dallas.

13.) It's not ice cream, it's Blue Bell's.

 

Are there any other brands of frozen deliciousness? That would be an aggressive no. Unless you want to start an argument with a team of cream churners, you ride along in Blue Bell's bandwagon. (It truly is the best ice cream around.)